Category Archives: Seduce Yourself

A guide to greater intimacy and mind blowing sex. Seduce yourself by using your senses. How to get the most out of Valentine’s.

Argument Aftermath

Address the Issue

 

communication dos and don'ts
Argument Aftermath

Dos

If you sweep things under the rug, eventually someone will trip over the lump.

In my experience, it is best to wait for the fire to die out before revisiting the source of the inferno.  For the passionate, this is not easy.

Be patient

It is all too tempting to hash it out, right there and then, while still flush from its heat.  Sometimes this can result in a hefty helping of the Silent Treatment; the heartburn kind.  Often, conflict is like an episode of Three’s Company; something or someone has been misunderstood or not completely transparent.  Purely open communication is

…the ability to fully express your perspective to your partner and, brace yourself, seeing things from your partner’s perspective.

It is best to wait until both parties are calm and ready to listen to revisit an issue.  The aftermath of an argument takes time.

 

argument aftermath communication dos
Argument Aftermath

Often couple`s therapists will use tools for listening like the ‘speaking rock.’ The person in possession of the rock is the only one allowed to talk. This means that the one without the lump of stone is to listen.  Corny! But it works.  If nothing else, a huge spotlight exposes how often we interrupt one another – especially when we don’t like what we are hearing.

I once read on Pinterest,

‘Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Steven R. Covey

Something to think about the next time your partner is holding the rock.  If an apology is in order, and it probably is, see my article on apologies to better your approach.

Don’t

Do Not Use the Car.

Fight the urge to approach the ‘we should talk’ conversations when driving.  Why, you ask?

communication don't use the car
argument aftermath

You have a captive audience.  Literally, your partner is trapped with nowhere to go.  If they are not ready for this conversation or you are not abiding by the sharing rules of the speaking rock, you will land yourself in a bigger argument and possibly on the receiving end of the Silent Treatment.

Trust me on this.  Getting out of the car to walk is so clické, but young couples everywhere have been there.  Perhaps, it is their flair for the dramatic. But as we get older no one has time for walking (or the shoes because, let`s face it, these talks always happen when we are dressed up) and more often than not we are on the highway.

Avoid Tight Spaces

Even if you have all the best intentions and you promise yourself not to let the conversation become heated the odds are that it will blow up in your face.  Cornered animals tend to jump to the defensive. They turn rabid and snarl.  When strapped in and forced to start straight ahead there is nowhere for the anxious energy to go.  People need their space and freedom to truly express themselves, especially when threatened.  Body placement says a lot about what we are communicating; standing wagging a finger, sitting with crossed arms or even pacing are all conditioned ways to process and respond.  We pick these up in our childhood and they are our own coping mechanisms.

Not only does the trapped person need an outlet for this energy but it serves the partner well to bear witness.  We take greater cues from one another’s body language than words, especially from our partners.

When a driver is backed into a conversation and stopping is not an option, I promise you that they are visualizing pushing you out of the moving car.  Okay, if it was meant to be, they may drop you at the next corner even in their fantasy.

Regardless the mental message is the same; SHUT UP or GET OUT!

communication don't use the car
argument aftermath

But to avoid the drama that would certainly follow that scene, not to mention criminal charges, the driver may opt to white knuckle the rest of the drive.  They may pick up speed and begin to drive recklessly and erratically.  Do not kid yourself.  They are not distracted by the conversation.  They are trying to get home as fast as they can to get you the hell out of the car.

Recap

Do not confuse the passenger seat with a soapbox or the car with an interrogation room.  If…I mean when, an ugly conversation needs to take place, let it be somewhere that offers an escape.  At least at home, if a door has to slam, no one is left on the side of the road (in uncomfortable shoes).

 

The Silent Treatment

Let’s Hear it for the Silent Treatment!!

Of course, it is juvenile and immature.  Not talking to someone is no way to behave.

Is it?

silent

Never go to bed angry?

Who said that?  Clearly, they have never argued with me or anyone to whom I have ever disagreed. There would be no sleeping if we were to hash it out before going to bed.  No, thank you.

I would consider my heated form of communication passionate, however, my husband would call it an ugly display of rage.  Either way, when I finally do lose my temper it can be verbally explosive. Please do not confuse this with being abusive. silent treatment - tips, tricks and warnings I have a double bladed tongue that mercilessly jabs back in quick concessions when provoked.  Depending on how long I have been holding my tongue and how deep my teeth have had to sink in determines how relevant, present and fair the blows are once I have unleashed my thoughts through words.  It isn’t pretty and contrary to the belief of those in the path of my wrath, I am not proud of myself nor do I gain any satisfaction in winning an argument in this way.  Once the dust settles, there is no way around it, I have said hurtful things to someone I love and care about.  It does not matter if what I have said is true.  The manner in which I have expressed these thoughts are inexcusable and unnecessary. What is said can never be taken back and is not easily forgiven.

Can your rage sometimes lead to a verbal backlash? If so, then you know what I am talking about.  It is actually better to go to bed angry than to voice the words roiling in your head.  Stepping back and taking a breath allows you time to calmly check your anger and frustration into a reasonable, respectful argument. This approach is better for everyone.  It has taken many years, countless apologies and some lost relationships for me to learn this lesson.

 Do not knock the silent treatment. It has its own purpose within reason. However, not talking to someone is the easy part.  Breaking the silence once the treatment has been doled out, is the pride swallowing, ego crushing challenge.  This is where I fail.  When I am giving my husband the cold shoulder and I drag it out, everything begins to break down.  We stop eating at the table and start sleeping separately. There is no disagreement for me when he takes a pillow and blanket to the couch to watch the game nor does he stop me from occupying the spare room during this award times.  We actually convince ourselves that the kids are none the wiser when we blame the separate sleeping on daddy’s snoring.   

silent treatment - trips, tricks and warnings
silent treatment

 When you wear your stubborn streaks like armor, don’t expect it to be comfortable.

 
  Now, we know better.

When we are no longer sharing a table or bed our communication is severed and our marriage is ultimately in trouble.  

Do not get me wrong, I am still a silent treatment kind of girl.  To some, it makes no sense.  It seems immature and a waste of time.  It must be understood, that it is out of maturity and self-awareness that I stay silent.  I know that my words can cut deep and leave marks that no apology can erase.  It is out of kindness and necessary restraint that I use silence. I go to bed angry so that I can wake up clear headed and ready to communicate fairly without wavering topic or reaching back in time beyond reasonable limits.  But now I know the sooner we meet the sooner we can talk, heal, learn and grow with one another.  The onus to break the silence is on me; the one whom initially cut off communication.
 

Ah, the apology without actually saying I’m sorry. Because it’s not really an apology, it’s a declaration of not being mad anymore.  It doesn’t even mean that I am ready to talk about ‘it.’ Only willing to start from here.

silent treatment tips, tricks and warnings
silent treatment

I do this by pulling two wine glasses out of the cupboard and leaving them out with a bottle of Cabernet. I am not presumptuous enough to pour, for it is very likely that my husband is angry with me and not ready to sit and chat.  So, it is up to him to fill the glasses and join me in a conversation. Then we can make up.

((I have advice on that too))

All a Marriage Needs

Where do you eat? Sleep? Revisit the table and bed to help restore your relationship.

A wise man once said that a marriage needs only a table and bed.

tools to save your marriage - table and bed
marriage tools

Communication is key!

This we know.  But how and when can we sit and talk?

Consider, courting.  Most new couples relish in going for dinner.  We have conditioned ourselves to have our most intimate conversations while dining or entangled in bed. Sharing meals and pillow talk are essential to a successful relationship. When one or both of these are not being met it is usually a true indication of trouble.     

  It was during a wedding ceremony that I experienced this enlightenment. My husband was an usher and I sat alone in the pew listening to the minister. He began by gently poking fun at the young couple’s blissful obliviousness to their future struggles.  This, of course, earned a chuckle or two from the more mature members of the congregation. In fact, I remember my husband finding my eyes to share a knowing glance.

At the time, we were secretly seeing a marriage counselor. So we were no strangers to the struggles of which the minister spoke. Somehow we managed to squeeze a few kid-free hours out of our already hectic weeks to see a therapist.  After a month and a half of faithful sessions, many tried exercises and countless dollars the one thing we could agree on was that the therapy was not working.  Yet, fifteen minutes into a wedding, I learned all I needed to know to recognize the markers of a troubled relationship. Who knew? That advice came at the cost of a pedicure and an appliance from the bride and groom’s registry.  Little did the new couple know that they had given us the greater gift.

a marriage needs a table and a bed. Share a meal and pillow talk to repair your fractured communication
Table – share a meal

I do not cook and my second-hand table has been hurting to be refurbished for years.

That aside, ever since I realized the importance of the table, I consider it our meeting place as a family and as a couple. It is there that we share meals, talk about our day, play cards, drink wine and pour over the weekly fliers. 

At times, it is with great effort that we fight the urge to flop in front of the television with our plates on our laps. This we used to do all too often.  Now, I understand that our meals are sacred. When we know beforehand that we will not be home for dinner, we try to outdo ourselves with brunch.  And on those ‘eat in a hurry’ nights my husband and I try to remain at the table and continue to connect while the kids rush to get ready for whatever extracurricular they have.  This is just a simple concept made more difficult with the hustle and bustle of everyday lives. But it is important to find the time and worth it in the long run.

 

a marriage needs a table and a bed. Share a meal and pillow talk to repair your fractured communication
Table and bed – not TV

I seriously considered that minister’s words and they all rang true. I do not regret divorcing my first husband but I often reflect on how regularly we ate in front of the television and slept in separate beds. For the most part, we got along just fine. This happened because we had nothing to talk about.  Perhaps, if I had understood the importance of the table and bed to communication; the cornerstone to any relationship, we never would have married. 

 

Now my greatest fault is that I am guilty of the silent treatment. When I am giving my husband the cold shoulder everything breaks down.  The first thing to go is sitting at the same table which further fractures our connection. Then one of us resigns to the couch or the spare bedroom which physically severs our ability to communicate. By not sitting at the table or sharing a bed we have annihilated any chance of coming together.  Eventually, one of us will prepare dinner and purposefully set the table.  When we meet there we know not to discuss the tender issue at the crux of our argument.  To sit at the table is a silent agreement to push past for the sake of a meal.  There will be time enough to rehash the conflict once the dishwasher is on and the kids are in bed.  Or not.  Some arguments can pass without convincing the other person that you are right. 

Pillow talk, however, needs no explanation.  It is inherently intimate and not only because of its simplistic correlation to sex. We are at our most vulnerable when in bed. It is where we sleep, retreat to when we are unwell, make love, lounge naked or wear pajamas not suitable for public display.   Nowhere else are you as truly yourself than in bed. There, couples share everything and bare it all.  Meet there. 

Let it be said, a marriage needs only a table and bed.

Still not convinced? Then consider the most popular advice given to couples undergoing a rough patch.  The two of you need a weekend getaway, a vacation, a night out.  This implies going out for dinner and getting a hotel room. Strip it down…

 

reconnect by sharing a meal and engaging in pillow talk. 

First of all, make it happen.  Be present. Turn off the television. 

 

 

 

 

How to Seduce Yourself

Shared Secrets

 

senses. seduce yourself
Seduce Yourself on Valentine’s Day

Seduce yourself  – Use your senses

watching, body response, use senses
Watching

Ladies, your body will deceive you. If pornography happens to offend, or even repulse you, the bitter truth is that your body will react to it involuntarily. This is within moderation, of course. If something is violent or disgusting your ethical and moral compass will reject it, but if it is just bodies on bodies doing what natural human bodies were meant to do, you will become visually stimulated. Like it or not. We are, after-all animals, and there is no greater reminder of this than the act of sex.

If you happen to be someone who is uncomfortable watching porn but still considers yourself a sexual being who is looking to spice up your intimacy without having to go all ‘Shades of Grey,’ you have come to the right place. Here, I will show you how to use your own senses to tap into your true erotic self.

Use your SENSES

 SUDUCE YOURSELF

1 – Sounds Dirty – Talk Dirty

2- Touch and Be Touched

3 – Scent – The Unassuming Sense

4 -Taste Sensual

5 -Sight – Watch Yourself

 

Sound Dirty

1 – Sounds Dirty – Talk Dirty

How to sound dirty or talk dirty without feeling dirty.

Talking or sounding dirty does not have to be crude or graphic. It is quite simply the combination of words and their timing. Just saying things that are swirling in your mind could bring your pleasure to a whole new level. Your body will react.

talk dirty, sound dirt, seduce yourself using senses, sound
sound dirty

The thrill of saying things never before dared on your tongue, hearing the delicious sounds pass your lips and the response you will surely get from your partner, is too exhilarating not to try.

For the hesitant, blushing first timers, I suggest you begin when your lips are close to your partner’s ear. That way they can be whispered. If this is completely out of character for you, what you say does not have to be something you expect someone with Tourette’s to say. You could just moan. I kid you not.  Making pleasurable sounds, just loud enough for you and your partner to hear,  while cuddling and caressing will heighten arousal.

Many women will admit that…

…the act of faking an orgasm has itself triggered climax.

Why do you think that is? Because…

erotic sounds, especially your own erotic sounds, are stimulating.

Your body reacts to your own sounds and your partner’s response whether audible or physical. When your body responds, it seeks for pleasure. You will thrive and rock with a willingness to explore and be explored.

As the passion intensifies so can your sounds. Describe what you like. Not in novel form just a statement here and there. If the idea of speaking body parts makes you recoil, than don’t say them. Refer to them by using ‘you’re’ and ‘I’m.” Stick to adjectives. ‘You are so hard, and smooth.’ See, you could be describing his back or arms. “You’re touch drives me crazy.” Or, “I’m so hot for you.”

sex, sounds, seduce yourself, use your senses
Sounds of Sex

These words should not be forced, just close your eyes and breathe them.

It is that simple. Nothing I have suggested is too risky.

It took me a long time to say things extremely dirty. The first time I did, my husband reacted so viscerally that I sent him over the edge before I had even warmed up. This only led to a very welcomed ‘twice in one night’.

afterwards, sex, seduce yoursel, use your senses, talk dirty, dirty sounds, sounds of sex
Afterwards

Good luck. Have fun and happy Valentine’s day.

If what I have recommended is still outside of your comfort zone, consider reading erotica.  To yourself is fine and it may inspire your imagination to grab hold of things you are comfortable saying. But reading it aloud, to or with your partner brings seduction to a whole new level.  Here is one of my favorites.

Last Round.  

 

 

Continue to the other senses…

Touch

Seduce Yourself

Touch and be touched, seduce yourself
Touch and be touched

What is pleasing to the touch may not be pleasing to the eye.

Shared Secret, seduce yourself, use your senses
walking hanger

If you have allowed the image of the typical runway model to cloud your idea of beauty, I would like to remind you that they model clothing. They are essentially walking coat hangers.

Think about it.  Most men love to touch, caress and sometimes squish together breasts. It does not matter if they are large or small, all breasts are soft, round and fleshy. This pleasurable sensation of touch is not limited to what fills the cups of a bra, it goes for all deliciously doughy parts; the derrière, hips, upper thighs, and stomach.

Touch and be touched; seduce yourself with your senses. Touch your soft curves
Touch your curves
Where do your fingers linger most?…
…when curled up in a comfortable embrace with your partner?  
I’ll bet your fingers linger somewhere soft. Again, what is pleasing to the touch may not necessarily be pleasing to the eye. We can thank Cosmopolitan for that, but that is another blog all together.
I find myself threading my fingers through the soft patch of curls at the base of my husband’s back. Yep, he has a hairy back.
My fingers love it, my eyes – not so much.

You can use your own touch to seduce yourself.

Here’s how. If you harbour any insecurities regarding your body, they need to fall away.  You are sexy, sensual and desirable.  I can prove it.
shared Secrets, seduce yourself, use your senses
Soft and Smooth

Before a night of romance, like Valentine’s day,  shower or bathe by candle light.  Do all the things that make you feel softest, feminine and beautiful. Lather, shave, moisturise, do your make up, hair or don’t do anything.  This is about you and your seduction.

Shared Secrets, Seduce Yourself, use your senses
Touch

Then, slip on the prettiest panties set or negligee you own. While in the warm, candle lit bathroom consider how the fabric feels against your naked skin. Touch your freshly washed flesh. Feel what your partner will feel. Close your eyes if need be and fully tap into the sensation of touching and being touched. This sense is so important and your body will respond just take your time and linger.

Feel your loose hair at your neck. The curve of your shoulder. The shape of your arm. The lines of your lingerie. Outline your face with the side of your finger. Draw your thumb feather like over your mouth. Touch your fingers to your tongue.
It won’t take long before you feel like the most sensual woman alive.
Then, join your partner and prove it to yourself.
If you were tense waiting for me to suggest that you masturbate, than you need to relax and reread the last few paragraphs.  Asking you to try and be something your not is called role-playing and doesn’t work for the less adventurous.  On the other hand, if you are into that, by all means touch and play until your hearts content. In fact some shower heads work wonders.
sehses, seduce yoursel, sex, Valentine's Day
Seduce Yourself
Continue to the other senses…

Scent

Don’t Underestimate the Power of Scent to Seduce

seduce yourself using senses ; smell / sent
scent can seduce

 

Smell

The Unassuming Sense

Many of our memories have a smell.  

It is a powerful sense that can trigger nostalgia or even deja vu.  I once told that if I wore a certain perfume on a romantic getaway or my honeymoon than I could return to that memory easily later by just wearing that scent.  I tried this. It worked, but I have since realized that specific smells are more difficult to place than generic ones. The cotton vanilla fragrance I put on while in Punta Cana five years ago doesn’t have nearly the effect that my suntan lotion has.

familiar scents
familiar scents

Last winter, I ran out of body moisturiser and applied the after sun lotion I use in the summer. Instantly, I was taken back to a time of sun and heat. On another occasion I changed my shampoo. I had not realized that it was the brand I used when my husband and I first dated until he buried his nose in my hair and gave me ‘that look.’

Do not under estimate the power of scent.

shared secrets, seduce yourself using sense ; smell / scent
scent from past

Use it to your benefit.

While getting ready for a romantic evening perhaps dab on that perfume at the back of the shelf collecting dust. Or ditch the perfume and rub on baby oil or suntan lotion. Close your eyes and breathe in its scent. Where does your mind take you? A place? A time? If you are reminded of fun, youth and freedom you have found your scent for the night. Don’t over do it by putting on too much or by applying it too often. It will loose its effect.

shared secret; seduce yourself using senses ; smell / scent
scent of hair

When ever I smell aerosol hairspray, I am reminded of my early twenties and going out dancing. I feel like an episode of Sex in the City and I am instantly in the mood for a little fun. My husband is more than happy to hitch a ride on that little buzz of nostalgia.

What I am saying is that smell is the unassuming sense that is easily forgotten until someone is cooking fish. Then see how quickly it is able to cripple a romantic mood. If used correctly, you can enhance your own arousal by tapping into past romantic moments to create new ones.

sense of smell, scent is powerful and seductive
past scent

What did your first apartment smell like? Did you use potpourri, incense or candles? Did you use to wear baby oil, body spray or fruit scented shampoo? It is that simple.

There are smells that turn you on. Find them.

Consider the most erotic time of your life. When you feel sexy, sensual and aroused. What did it smell like?

Beware of this power. Unpleasant odors can just as easily have an adverse effect.      

 

Continue to the other senses…

Taste

The mouth is very sensual.

taste, sexy, arousal, seduce,
sexy taste
A soft tongue hides behind luscious lips and slick pearly whites. Our mouths are essential to the art of seduction and love making.  Kisses after-all are at the heart of all human affection.  
touch, taste, arousal, seduce yoursel
touch lip mouth

The simple act of brushing your thumb over your lips or touching your finger to your tongue is as erotic to feel as it is to watch. Taste is very different, it goes beyond the primitive points of pleasure.

Beyond the physical.

There are two types of taste.

taste, seduce, romance, Valentine's Day
Taste Cooking

The first is the most recognized. It is why cooking can also be an art of seduction. Having exquisite flavours burst in your mouth is one of life’s most enjoyable sensations. Food, itself can be an aphrodisiac.

I want to focus on the second type; the subconsciousness of taste. Just as scent has the power to trigger nostalgia,  

Taste has the little-known power to alter mood.

taste childhood, mood, taste,
Tastes like childhood

I associate peanut butter with my childhood.  As an adult, I very rarely eat it, however when I find myself surly or sullen, I will scoop a spoonful right out of the jar into my mouth.  To me, I no longer savor the thick buttery flavour but, within a half-hour, my mood is lighter. I barely notice the transformation, unlike scent it is not instantaneous. It is more like taking an aspirin for a headache. After a few minutes, I notice that I feel better. It is as if my mind associates the taste of peanut butter with a calmer, less worrisome time and reverts back to then.

tastes like paradiseThis phenomenon can help set the tone for romance too. Do pina coladas taste like paradise or barbecue taste like summer or hot cider taste like Christmas? It doesn’t have to be your favourite flavour, it just needs to be a taste you associate with a pleasurable mood. Chicken noodle soap may comfort you and mint chocolate chip ice cream may leave you jubilant.
Not convinced? Consider tequila.  If even the thought of this murky liquid causes your stomach to roil that is because you probably had a drunken tequila night that ended badly. The brain remembers and has since rejected the taste of (and possibly the sound of the word) tequila. On the other hand, if you are grinning with the thought of licking, shooting and sucking…well, then cheers. But I would bet you know someone who would groan at the same thought.  
Still not convinced? One word.

Chocolate.

chocolate taste of arousal
taste chocolate
This heavenly creamy flavour has so many benefits and for the purpose of this article, it is commonly associated with childhood, holidays and love. No wonder women (and men) crave it and indulge in it because it holds the power to alter your mood. Better than any drug. 
Please practice moderation with the consumption of any mood altering substance.
champagne, strawberries, taste, arousal, valentine's day
taste romantic

Before a night of romance, especially if the weather has taken its toll, put your subconscious taste buds to the test. Even if your plans include an evening of strawberries, wine, lobster and stuffed chicken; consider sneaking in an abstract appetizer or cocktail. It could boost your mood and widen the gates to the path of romance, seduction, and passion.  

This is an example of simple mind over matter. Allow your sense of taste to alter your mood to one of arousal.
I stash a tub of gummy bears in the car and a six pack of Corona in the fridge just in case on nights with the promise of romance.
Happy Romance.
Continue to the other senses…

Sight

Watch Yourself

sight, watch, senses, seduce yourself
sight watch yourself

I would like to shatter the manufactured shame associated with women’s natural curiosity to visually explore sex. If we were not socially conditioned to oppress our desires, then pornography and exotic dance clubs would not be so terribly unbalanced. Clearly, we are starved for it, hence the outrageous popularity of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey‘. Even then, we were resorted to reading; limiting our visual stimulation to the confines of our mind and imagination.

Why should we be embarrassed to look?

 

sight hide

Men, do it all the time? Yes, it is juvenile and primal, but if anything should allow us to tap into our youthful, savage selves it should be sex. The innocence to parade naked and experiment with our bodies is not only natural it is a tonne of fun when done freely and safely. These dated starchy attitudes and social dichotomies regarding sex are not likely to fall away anytime soon. I will tell you, that even if you dare to deny it, women are visual beings. We have just conditioned ourselves not to be, however.

Peeking behind the curtain is forbidden.  

Seeing what you normally cannot is insanely erotic, sensual and delicious.

The easy answer is to watch pornography. Not degrading, violent, ‘put it in my face’ porn, but soft porn that focuses on the beauty of joining bodies. Because this form or art is not easily found and time is of the essence, I would like to suggest a mirror. Not the plastered to the ceiling reflective glass, put in cheap hotels with mostly the male perspective in mind, but your ‘somewhere in your home’ mirror.

sight, see, watch, mirror,
Sight mirror

It needs to be at least picture size if not, of full length. Place the mirror near the bed or prop it against the couch if you intend to be on the floor. Open the drawers of your dresser to create a ledge at the perfect height. If you have two mirrors, even better.

Light candles. You will need some illumination to see and…

everything looks better by candle light.

Make certain that from your vantage point, you will get a clear view.

sight blindfold
sight blindfold

Are your cheeks red with the mere thought of this? Is that because the idea of your partner bearing witness to you watching makes you uncomfortable and insecure? Then blindfold them. They won’t mind.  In fact, you may just be fulfilling one of their secret fantasies. This will also give them the opportunity to really focus on their other senses. Encourage them to fully appreciate sound, touch, and scent.

hide your eye, sight, watch
sight ; hide your eye

Then, allow yourself to watch and really see. You just might capture mental snapshots that you can rely on in the future to heighten arousal, seduction, and release.    

Lingerie for Valentine’s Day

 Lingerie for HIM

A gift idea with good intentions that are anything but sexy. How does she really feel?

sex, valentine's day, February, Canada,
Valentine’s Day in Canada

It was Valentine’s Day, four years ago, when I stepped out of my powder room donning Victoria Secret’s newest super sexy show stopper. The evening was oh so romantic.

Lit only by the glow of our fireplace, my love handed me the suspiciously large gift bag with excitement and anticipation dancing in his eyes.  I tried to pull my libido from its hibernation to match his enthusiasm,

 …but I am a Canadian girl and it’s February.

This means I am still carrying my post holiday weight, nothing below my collar has seen the sun since September and I am sporting homegrown insulation.  In short, I am doughy, pasty and hairy.  Yes, I said it.

sex, valentine's day, lingerie, for him,

There I was under the harsh lighting of my bathroom unveiling the wonder that was my Valentine’s Day gift. You know the outfit; every man’s fantasy.  A lacy full-bodice number with tonnes of cleavage, thigh high stockings and garters of course.   By the time I presented myself, I was wild eyed, red faced and completely dishevelled.  One might be flattered that their husband bought a size too small. I, on the other hand, know my hubby all too well. In his mad dash to the store to meet Hallmark’s Valentine’s Day expectations, he picked the sales clerk who looked most like me or who was closest to him in the store and asked her her size.

Don’t get me wrong, the black ensemble was beautiful with its iron boning, 72 hook and eyes lining the back and impossibly tiny claps for the garter belt to be fastened just below the butt cheeks. I am sure it looked amazing on the porcelain manikin. The headless, armless figure also had the advantage of not having flash or fat to hinder the shape. More importantly, the manikin had assistance strapping the sucker on without the pesky inconvenience of having to breathe.

I am sorry, when Valentine’s day is on a Tuesday night, a school night,

…you are just happy to get the kids in bed early enough to share a bottle of wine before falling asleep on the couch.

Instead, there I was with my breasts up my nose, tugging and reefing on the least agreeable fabric known to man.  Imagine 72 tiny curls of wire that need to slip into loops of thread that run down your spine.  The only way to fasten every delicate hook was to put the corset on backwards.  I did mention that it was too small, right?  I remember looking in the mirror and seeing the elegantly laced breast cups sitting on my back as I wrestled and wiggled trying to twist it into place.  At one point, my husband asked if I was okay because I had spun myself into the vanity so violently that it was a wonder I didn’t wake the kids.  Once the death trap was facing the correct way, I was an enraged, unlikely contortionist, who still needed to fasten the garter straps. I was bound so tightly that my breaths were short and sharp. How the hell was I going to bend at the waist to located the tiny gold clasps, let alone secure my nylons to them?

Somehow I managed to get it on, not without sacrificing skin and my air supply – I got it on.  My gliding to the bed wasn’t exactly by choice as the stockings, again too small, limited my movement. I did reign in my frustration, discouragement and overall self-loathing for the sake of the occasion.  When my husband began to release me from my torture chamber I was mixed with relief and outrage.

What was it all for?  Better yet, who was it all for?

Afterwards, when he was still giddy with the memory of his gift, he started making birthday and anniversary requests. There must have been something in my expression that said divorce or homicide because he abruptly stopped talking.  I haven’t gotten lingerie for Valentine’s Day since.  There is a silent understanding that if he buys me a self-satisfying gift again, he will wind up with that cute leather bag I have been eyeing for his birthday.

I have nothing against lingerie or impractical underwear, in fact, I have a whole drawer dedicated to all such things.  It is just, that in my experience, the intimacy is much better when I feel sexy, beautiful, silky and smooth. There have been many nights when I have encouraged my husband to pick out something for me to wear as I slip into the shower before bed. Talk about a kid in a candy store. There is not a hockey game in the world that would stop him from bouncing out of bed to rummage through my collection. Once he has made his decision, he hangs it on the back of the bathroom door.  On occasion, I will pull back the shower curtain to find his selection without my prompting, which I am happy to display for him. Anything is better than receiving a self-serving gift.

This year my husband surprised me by placing a very generous Victoria Secret gift card in my stocking for Christmas.  When I reacted to the inordinate amount, he gently suggested that I consider him while doing my shopping.  I did. After buying for me, I bought for him, which he will gladly model for him this Valentine’s Day.

The point is,

sex is best when both parties feel desired and desirable.

And, if a gift is more for you than them, try again.

Happy Valentine’s Day