Happy couples have shared priorities.
Yes, by all means; career goals, financial budgeting, parenting approaches, retirement plans, blah, blah, blah.
All of those are shared priorities for the future, for the long run. But those are not the shared priorities of everyday bliss. They will not help you achieve a happy and successful relationship for the day to day.
There is a secret to a happy relationship and I am going to share it with you.
Do everything you can to make your partner happy. Ensure that they have the same goal.
If you are making them happy…
and they are making you happy….
happiness all around!
It is really that simple. That is the shared priority. Know your partner’s priorities and make them your own.
Clearly, this calls for an example.
Let me start by saying, do not compromise on what matters most. This method will not help you if you haven’t already picked a partner worth fighting for.
After a failed marriage, I realized that I had betrayed myself. I had fooled myself into ignoring the attributes that I had once held highest when choosing a partner. To me, one must possess an unflappable work ethic, a kind heart and capable hands. Once I reestablished my sure grasp of those character traits, I found my true love, to whom I married. These three attributes are the foundation of the man, husband, and father he is and why I love him so.
This, unfortunately does not mean that we brought the same priorities to the relationship. For the big picture future goals everything aligned. It was the small, everyday expectations that we just assumed our alike hearts would agree upon. They didn’t.
And I bet either do yours.
That being said, my partner likes for specific places in our home to be tidy and clean. This, I refer to as ‘showcase‘ clean. You may already be nodding with agreement, and I would nod too if these places were the kitchen, the bathroom, or even the front foyer. Nope, my husband wants the laundry room to be spotless. Yep, that room also known as the mudroom.
He once dedicated an entire day to clean this area to his liking. In doing so, he moved all which made this room functional into the garage. To be fair, when he was finished, it was showcase clean. It was a spotless, shiny, and useless laundry room, just like a Home Depot floor display.
To be clear, I don’t get it. The need to have the room that is meant to be hidden away behind closed doors clean, over all other rooms in the house, is beyond my comprehension. I mean, we keep that cat’s litter box in the laundry room, for Pete sake. However, I do try to keep the washer and dryer clear of clutter and the floor free of laundry when I can. On the flip side, he returns the favour by refraining from hanging things on the banister at the bottom of the stairs – which drives me crazy.
When we were first together hats, coats, and bags could often be found dangling in the middle of the living room from the railing of the stairway in centre view of the front door. Grrrrrr.
This meeting of the minds or sharing of the priorities did not come easily. It came after an explosive argument.
We all believe that we are easy to live with. Your partner would disagree. Just ask them. Have an open conversation. Do not make it a competition. Listen. Do not get defensive.
If they are brave enough to share with you what irks them, be strong enough to accept what you hear.
Be prepared to express your priorities too- again not a competition. You do not need to ‘out do‘ their uncapped toothpaste complaint by lashing out about the swallow of milk they left in the fridge, that, honestly had not bothered you before the conversation began. In addition to listening and not getting defensive, take a moment to pull on a thicker layer of skin if you haven’t already got one.
It is also important to understand that this takes time. Just by expressing your priorities to your partner does not mean that they adopt them as their own immediately. Again, I still don’t get the need to have the dryer top clear. It took a long time for me to stop myself before haphazardly emptying my arms onto the first surface when coming into the house from the garage. The drier is a natural catch-all. Avoiding unloading there was a process.
At first, I would make the laundry room part of my tidying routine. Once I realized that the clutter collecting on the drier was mostly mine, I began curbing the habit.
Do not get me wrong. When things are hectic, the house is a mess, and I am dropping more balls than juggling, I have to admit the driers’ cleanliness is the first to fall off my priority list. Why? Because, the drier top is not my priority.
It is natural for the priorities of others to be the first dismissed or ignored when distracted. It is also really easy to dump my things on the drier when I see a rogue backpack looped over the banister of the stairs. This, I know is 80% petty, but 100% honest.
Hey, I said that the theory was simple, not the practice.
But, imagine how wonderful life would be if your partners’ aim everyday was to meet your priorities. If their number one goal was to make you happy, how easy would it be to match that goal? Sounds pretty incredible, right? So why not have the conversation. Start there.